God Dammit, Wyoming.

August 20

My grandfather has just died. I'm sitting in a hospital in Buffalo, Wyoming (I would find the irony here funny considering my previous post, but I'm not in the proper mood right now), where I am typing this, preparing to go meet a man who will help me finish the paper work I need to do before I go back home. The hospital staff has been very nice and accommodating, but I've got nothing else to do right now but sit and write.

We were driving west on I-90 when he started taking notable breaths, and had trouble speaking. It took me a few minutes to realise what was happening because I was dozing in the passenger seat. I told him to pull over, and I started driving. He was moving and walking fine, but he had trouble putting together more than 2 words. We both knew it was another stroke (he had one almost 6 months ago), but it didn't seem to be as severe. He was alert, and kept trying to tell me not to speed (I had the accelerator pedal pressed to the floor), that he was ok. I wasn't going to take any chances, and couldn't care less if a cop pulled me over.

A little over 15 miles from town he started to have a seizure. This is when I really started to freak. He made a low moaning noise, and his arms started to spasm. I took a pen out of his hand, and tried to get him to lay back in the seat, but figured he would be fine because he wasn't throwing himself around and he had his seat belt on. I also noticed blood coming out of his left forearm, where his veins were large and red. He settled down and stopped moving after a minute (which only scared me more). Finally, 10 miles outside of Buffalo, I got some cellphone reception and stopped long enough to complete a 911 call. It took a couple minutes of getting transferred and explaining before they told me to watch for an ambulance, which I ended up meeting just past exit 58, going into town. Looking back on it, he might have been dead before I even got him to the ambulance, but I don't think they started CPR until they got to the hospital, so I just don't know.

I followed the ambulance (they had picked him up at the intersection) to the local hospital, where I only had time to give his personal information and make a phone call to my grandmother (his wife) before they told me he was gone. After that it was a lot of talking to people (and calling my grandmother back).

I'm not feeling as bad as I thought I would. For years growing up I dreaded the idea of losing one of my 3 parents that I live with (Grandfather, Grandmother, and Mother). They have all helped raise me, and have always been there. Now that it's happened, it's like the anticipation was worse. Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet. But I think that mostly has to do with the conversation Gpa and I had less than a week ago.

This trip has been an opportunity for me to get to know my grandfather again. After his stroke I knew he was facing a lot of difficulties with loss of vision and memory, and a generally deteriorating physical condition. Like many older men, he was frustrated by his loss of power and control over his own life, so I wanted have this trip to prove to him that he could still have fun. I realised after we left that I hadn't planned a trip with lots of places to see, and didn't really know what I was doing. However, just getting out and traveling again was what Gpa enjoyed the most.

We've talked about a lot of things on the trip, stuff I don't write about because it doesn't matter or it's personal. Things about my future, and stories from his past. I got to see how and why he was unhappy, and why my mother and grandmother were worried about him. Eventually, we came to the topic of his eventual death. He has said for years that his life was complete and he wasn't afraid to die, despite our whole family being atheists and not believing in an afterlife. We talked again about this a few days ago, and he said he didn't expect to live more than a couple more years, but he was ok with that. So when he died a few hours ago, I knew it was ok. I'm still crying every 5 minutes, but I probably will be for a few days. The man was my father figure, mainly because I've grown up without one.

I don't care who does or doesn't read this, but I have to say a few things about my grandfather. He was probably the most amazing man I've ever met. He spent 17 years in the air force, got a doctorate in education, taught in at least half a dozen different schools (including one on a cruise ship), got married and had a daughter at the age of 21, recently celebrated his 80th birthday and 60th wedding anniversary, and traveled/sailed the world for over 10 years with his wife, visiting each state at least 7 times, and hundreds of countries. He's done countless other amazing things that I don't have the time or energy to name right now. Most of all, he spent the last 20 years of his life helping my mother raise me. I would not be half of who I am now if my grandmother and grandfather hadn't been there the whole time, allowing my mother to work full time to earn a comfortable living, and being such a shaping force in my education. He, my grandmother, and my mother have always been willing to do anything they needed to help me, especially in the past couple years, when my future and education have become unclear and frustrating. I swear to him right now, like I did less than a week ago, I will finish my BA and make something of my life.

Right now, I just want to get home more than anything. No small task from Wyoming to Washington, it will be the largest distance I've ever driven on my own, when I stop and think about it. I'm not worried about that, though.

-King of the Road